the boy who didn't live

032507 sun 7:10pm

blogger!
i'm quite detail-oriented. i've been meaning to set up a blogger account for a week or so. but i didn't want to join on any old day. i wanted the day to have significance. so i chose today.. my brother's birth and death anniversary.

yeah, i had a brother. only for a day. he died of internal bleeding. i think. i'm not sure. it was so very long ago, and we hardly talk of it anymore. i did meet him though. and my mom says that the little 4-year-old me, who used to be fluent in my mother's dialect, exclaimed in joy, "ka gwapo gayud!" ("he's really cute!"). he definitely was my grandfather's grandson.. looking much more a spaniard than a pacific islander. the girls would have dug him. but maybe he would have received his share of taunting because of his name. consistent with the odd track they took in naming their children, my parents dubbed him weinshel van otagan reyes. oy. hehe.

every march 25th, i always wonder how it would have been had my brother lived. would i be the same person? perhaps i would have had an even more pronounced oldest child syndrome.. a more stringent and perfectionist lady. perhaps i would have been tougher, being an overprotective sister to two siblings. or perhaps i would have been more laid-back, because two siblings would have taught me more patience. and perhaps i would have understood boys better and not be such a lunatic girlfriend. hehe.

my mother would have been less of a worrier about me and my sis, knowing that the growing brother was looking out for his sisters. (i know he would have.. i have an image of him protecting his ates.) my dad would have had a son to share his passion for fishing, or at the very least, a companion on the bench as the girls went shopping. and my sister.. would definitely have been less spoiled. haha.

he would have been 19 today. we probably would've nicknamed him "win". hehe. hm.. i've just been reminded lately that sometimes a name shapes a person. he would have been a winner. =)

all the what-ifs come to mind. i will always be sad that my brother didn't live.